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"And we want to live, don't we?" I asked myself, but Grace gave me a gentle
hug in response.
At last I was clean and dry and wearing one of Bracken's old baseball shirts
the Rivercats. It occurred to me in a vague sort of way that Bracken was
something of a sports enthusiast, and Green was not. This could be good, I
thought fuzzily, because it would make sleeping with two men in the same home
a hell of a lot easier. The last lucid thought I had was that I shouldn't go
back to sleep with Bracken and Green.
"They're so tired, I said weakly to Grace.
"So are you, baby," she told me briskly, doing that hovering thing and placing
me between the two of them as though I'd never left. "And they've prayed for
your health for so long, I'd hate to rob them of waking up and seeing that
you're better.
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I wouldn't have argued with that, even If I'd had the strength.
When I woke up again, it was light. I reached for Green or Bracken, and found
instead the slighter, more mortal body of Dominic Kestrel instead. I wanted
Green. I wanted Bracken. I was surprised by how equal these wants were. But I
saw Nicky, expecting to be rejected, and I refused to do that to a friend.
"Hey, luv, I murmured, remembering all the times Green had greeted me with
this, and how I had felt instantly better, "I understand we're married." I
leaned into him then, and even Nicky, for all of his inexperience, knew how to
hold a tired, sick woman when she asked for comfort.
"I'm sorry, he said.
"I'm sorrier, I said back. I looked up and saw his face pale beneath his
freckles. His hair usually gelled and perfect was a complete messy disaster. I
felt a tug in the direction of my heart. "You know," I said softly, "In a
whole other world, it would not have been a hardship to spend my life with
you." He looked at me with sorrow-filled eyes, and I smiled a little. "It's
still not," I told him, and he tucked his slight body next to mine as though
he were learning how, and I felt him shudder. Once, twice, and then he was
weeping silently, and I was shushing him.
"We'll be okay," I told him softly. "I won't let you down.
"You'll have to have my child, he said, voice choked with tears. "How can I
make you have my child?
I closed my eyes tight, opened them, digested. "I promised Green a child
first, I said, feeling my way. "Bracken will want his child too." I couldn't
hardly believe I was saying this. Of course I had always wanted to be a
mother, but I wasn't old enough to buy beer. I wasn't well enough to walk to a
bar. But Nicky had to know if he could live. "But I could have your baby,
Nicky," I promised with a lump in my throat, hoping there could be another
way. "Do we have to start today?" I meant it to be a joke, and was relieved
when he laughed a little through his tears.
"We've got about ten years, he said.
Good I had some time then. I could at least finish college before I started
pushing babies out like gumdrops from a pretty glass ball. "And then what
would happen?
He looked at me seriously. "The same thing that will happen if I'm deprived of
love for any length of time. I molt and pine and die.
I nodded, feeling like I was going to fall asleep again in very short order.
"Green and I will take care of you, Nicky, I said from far away. "We don't
let people down.
I woke again, and it was dark, and, thank Goddess, Green was holding me and
Bracken was feeding me soup.
I was so happy that it was the two of them Green, who I loved with all my soul
and Bracken who I loved with all my heart that I actually started to cry into
my soup.
Bracken was appalled. "Goddess, Cory!" he sputtered, putting the bowl
precariously on the bed and starting after me with a napkin, "It s just soup!
I felt a rusty chuckle rumble in my throat, and heard Green's gorgeous laugh
softly in my ear. I smiled at Bracken, and as awful as I was sure I looked, it
must have held something in it, some promise of beauty, of health and of
strength, because he leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on my lips. "Go
ahead and cry then," he said softly then, "As long as I'm not the one who made
you.
"Oh fine, take that out of the relationship why don't you," I tried to snap.
It was hard when I was all choked up, but it got another smile from Bracken,
and I could feel Green's chest shake beneath me, and I thought that maybe we
could get through.
After a moment, I grabbed the hawk by the talons, so to speak, and said, "I'm
sorry about& everything." I was going to say, "About Nicky," but it just seemed
too cruel.
"Don't be sorry, luv, Green said quietly, at about the time Brack said, "You
should be sorry, genius! The two of them locked eyes, and Bracken had the
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grace to look sheepish.
"You worried me to death, Cory, he said, sort of like a little kid
remembering his words. "And we would have had other firsts you could have let
me go.
"Not possible, I said quietly. I found I was looking longingly at the soup
and hoping Bracken would pick it up again. "Not possible for me to let any of
you go. And how dare he come in and try to make me. But I'm sorry for almost
killing us all I'm sorry I forced you guys to make that choice. I'm sorry I
hurt everybody.
"What you should be sorry for," Green said acerbically, "is the same thing you
should have been sorry for these last five months you wouldn't let any of us
heal you.
"That's not true," I told him back, standing my ground. "I just wouldn't let
any of you die for me.
"It would have been our choice if we did," Bracken snapped sullenly. "You just
need to remember that if someone chooses to die for you, it's because they
can't live without you.
I didn't know what to say to that. His name hung in the air, and nobody would
say it, but we all knew who this argument was about. Suddenly Green, of all of
us, started swearing. "Goddamned buggering goat fucking bastard fuckwit!" he
burst out, and Bracken and I didn't even have to ask to whom he was referring.
"If he were here right now I'd beat the living shit out of him," Bracken
agreed. He moved the soup to the floor and wrapped his arms around my middle,
laying his head on my chest. Green reached around to clutch both of us to him,
and I could feel us all vibrating with laughter, with anger, with grief, and
with, hardest of all, relief.
I started to laugh, and it came out faintly hysterical. "What an asshole," I
agreed weepily. "Do you think if he knew he was going to fuck us up this bad,
he might have found a way not to die on us?
"Bleeding Jesus, I hope so!" Bracken said against me. "I'd hate to think we've
been hurting so bad, so long, for someone who didn't give a shit.
"I give a shit, I murmured into his hair. "I wouldn't die if I could help
it.
"Just don't leave us behind," Bracken begged. Then, looking wry, he looked
over my shoulder to Green. "Okay you can leave him behind. But you can't leave
me.
"Show off, Green said wretchedly, and I laughed in the same vein.
"I'm sorry." I had to say it again, I felt it so badly. "I'm so so so sorry."
And it was the last thing anybody said for a while as we sat on the bed and
held each other.
Eventually we pulled apart, and Bracken fed me soup in a murmuring silence as
I dozed off in Green's arms. When I woke up again, there was only Green, which
was fine, because I had so much to talk to him about I couldn't put it all in
one sentence.
He was laying next to me, watching me sleep, and when my eyes opened, his face
creased in a sweet smile.
"You're awake, he said, and he sounded like a happy child.
"You're here," I responded, and I must have sounded the same.
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